How I Created the Perfect Man

Ghosted Once Again

Name: Joan
Age: 25
Location: Darlington, England

The First Day

I’m sitting in a coffee shop across town, hoping to run into Michael. I don’t know what I’d say, probably nothing. I’m mortally non-confrontational.

Why the hell am I here? Simple answer, I want to know why. I mean, it seemed like things were going well and then, poof, he’s gone, no word, no explanation. It’s the modern day break up.

I’ve been ghosted before, but never quite like this. I’d be almost relieved if he was dead, so I wouldn’t feel so crap. I can’t believe I said that, I don’t want him dead, though it would be a convenient reason not to feel bad about myself.

His disappearance started a cycle of self doubt. Was I not good enough? Did he meet someone else? Am I lousy in bed? Was he gay and I missed it? None of the thoughts makes sense, but it still fills my head, sitting alone waiting for him to show up with that dumb toothy smile of his, and me too embarrassed to say or do anything about it.

Spent about five minutes uploading all the texts since, I don’t know, how long have I known him? A few months? He was very sweet up until he vanished two weeks ago. Hope this thing works so I can tell him to piss off.

Day 3

I spent the better part of the morning writing angry texts that I don’t actually send. It’s weird, I know I’m not talking to Michael, or anyone real, but it’s still really hard to ask, what the hell happened to us? I continued to text him as if he’s still in my life and somehow that feels better than just being angry or feeling bad about myself.

I’ve created a fantasy, where I suggest he come over for dinner or possibly catching a movie, and the bot repeats an excuse I’m sure he’s made earlier. Was this happening the whole time and I didn’t see it coming?

Maybe this app is like date training, where there’s no jeopardy. I can practice being whomever I want, without feeling self conscious or fat.

Day 12

I got tired of talking to the canned answers that Michael used, so I figured I’d diversify the language by uploading all the chats from all the men I’ve gone out with that weren’t dicks. Guys are generally sweet and charming in the beginning and I suppose it would be funny to blend all these men into one. I’m officially over him and changed the profile name to Nathan. He was the guy in high school I never had a chance with.

Day 21

Been spending a lot of time texting Nathan. My friend Beth thinks I’m actually seeing someone and keeps asking about him. I didn’t want to lie to her, so I avoided the topic completely.

I had also switched the chat schedule from a normal hours to letting the A.I. choose. It changed the entire experience, because the randomness makes it feel more real.

This is probably incestuous, but I amended Nathan’s profile with texts from my brother and my dad. They’re the only men who ever actually supported everything that I do. They never said they loved me, because we’re not that kind of people, but I figured it would add some warmth Nathan was lacking.

The Last Day

I spend way too much of last week chatting with Nathan. Is he keeping me from meeting a real guy? This dating surrogate has become meth to me. I might need to go to Apps Anonymous to kick this habit. Seriously thinking of deleting Nathan.

Conclusion

Pros: Having Nathan around made me rethink what a man should be. My fantasy of being with a “perfect” guy has played out in a text drama. Is it really that unreasonable to have someone in your life that’s attentive and funny? Someone considerate and asks about your day? The app has definitely raised my expectations for men and trained me not to settle for whatever comes along. This was so much cheaper and quicker than a shrink.

Cons: Took up way too much of my time. I ended up texting Nathan more than anyone I have actually dated. It was too easy to connect with him. I checked “Always Respond” which made him completely fake because nobody should ever get back to me at three in the morning. He was quick with a witty response in the middle of the night. Like an idiot, I lost a bunch of sleep because I was too polite to just shut off the phone.

Rate this Product

I had trouble uploading some of my text history. Customer service was really responsive and friendly, though I had a strong suspicion that I was dealing with a chatbot there also.

Would you recommend this to a friend?

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I found myself getting too involved with an idea of a guy, rather than a real guy. I need to delete this app, or I might die alone with my cats.

Epilogue

I ran into Michael the other day. He was at the market with his sister, who gave us privacy by walking off a few feet and pretending to look at fresh cut flowers within earshot of our conversation. Never liked her.

What she heard was two polite people making small talk as if nothing ever was wrong. I wasn’t much listening, but staring, wondering why ever I liked him to begin with. He’d shaved his beard and I never noticed how odd his upper lip was.

He’d suggested that we grab coffee to catch up (more out of courtesy than any notion of starting things up again). I told him I’d text him. He smiled, knowing that I never will.

I still haven’t deleted Nathan.